Why Is Being a New Mom So Hard? 6 Postpartum Realities Every Mother Needs to Know
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Postpartum is a place of paradox. We live in awe and fear, sadness and joy, love and frustration, memory-making and fogginess—all at the same time. Those first few days and following couple of weeks are especially intense. Lack of sleep, hormonal changes, wounds and injuries that need to heal, new responsibilities suddenly (and literally) thrust into your lap, and the seemingly continual cry of your baby swirl together into a household hurricane.
My first baby was a terrifying experience. I couldn’t differentiate between false labor and true labor. I had little knowledge about motherhood. I experienced postpartum depression (though I didn’t have that label until months later). My baby wasn’t a good sleeper, and we both floundered with breastfeeding.
When my second healthy pregnancy began, I felt I had a bit of an upper hand. I knew what true labor was like. I knew how to breastfeed and the tricks necessary to help a baby who struggles to latch. I knew what to do to help my baby sleep better and what support I needed if he didn’t. I knew how to recognize postpartum depression before becoming suffocated by it.
Then the doctor told me I was having twins. At thirty weeks gestation I went into what appeared as false labor but was actually preterm labor. Thankfully my labor was stopped until thirty-seven weeks when I had a c-section. I was only able to breastfeed for a short time and had to switch to formula. I battled more postpartum anxiety than depression. Everything I thought I had the upper hand on quickly dissipated and was replaced by circumstances that knocked me back down again to the beginner level.
Every baby, every mother, every family is different to some degree. What works for one mom or one baby might not work for another; but in both my pregnancies and postpartum experiences I’ve found thesesix things to be true each time:
1. Caring for a newborn is hard—ask for help.
After both pregnancies I fought to keep my independence. I wanted to muscle through like I thought all the other moms were doing and care for my newborn baby all on my own. I wanted to keep the house clean, feed my baby, cook my meals, do the laundry, and play with my children without much of any help. I’m a mom; I was created to do this. I can do it all on my own. Or so I thought. But with each postpartum experience, everything came crashing down—sometimes externally and other times internally. I did need help.
Mom, don’t be ashamed to call over a trustworthy neighbor, friend, church member, or family member. If you’re drowning in housework, cooking, bottles or breastfeeding, diapers, and dishwashing, get help. You aren’t meant to do this all on your own. Yes, you’re a mom, but you’re not God. Rather than comparing yourself to what another family can or cannot do, set up the support you need that works for your family. Be brave—ask for the specific help you need to be the best mom you can be.
2. Take time to be you again.
There are a lot of misconceptions out there as to what biblical motherhood looks like—and some of it looks like burnout and unnecessary suffering. Mom, your identity doesn’t need to be completely absorbed by motherhood. Take some time to enjoy those other parts of who you are—your hobbies, talents, dreams, and passions. Pick up a paint brush again, write a story, dig your hands into your flowerbeds, or go running. Do something you love.
God didn’t make us like the animals—simply meant to breed, raise offspring, and survive. He made us with skills, desires, passions, and the ability to enjoy his creation. He made us in his image, creative and emotive. He created you to enjoy hiking and painting. Taking a break once a day for thirty minutes, an hour, or two to do something you love isn’t selfish but human. Enjoy those things to God’s glory without guilt.
3. Your Bible study habits will change, and that’s okay.
Before kids, I could dedicate 60-90 minutes every day to studying God’s word. I could mark up the text, read surrounding passages, look up cross-references, study the original language, and consult multiple commentaries. Now, my time varies. Some days I read a psalm and pray it back to God. Other days I work through a chronological Bible plan with my husband. And yet other days I go deeper in a passage like I used to, but not usually as long.
Especially in those early days, you might not find much time in the Word. It may be listening to the Bible while driving in the car or pacing the floors with a screaming baby. It may be reading a few verses on your phone while you feed your baby. Don’t put a lot of pressure on yourself. God’s grace can still reach you. God’s means of grace are going to church to hear the Word preached, participating in the Lord’s Supper, and baptism. And when you can find the time and the brain space, open your Bible too.
4. You need friends—in real life, not just online.
There are many online mommy groups with specific focuses: Christian, non-Christian, crunchy, non-crunchy, homeschool moms, public school moms, breastfeeding, bottle-feeding, exclusively pumping, and so on. Whatever your interest, life circumstance, life perspective, or values, you can find a group of moms online who share those with you.
The problem with these types of relationships is that when we’re viewing one another’s lives through a screen, it’s easier to say mean things, it’s easier to appear as if our lives are perfect, and it’s easier to make sweeping judgments about one another. We can make our lives appear much more different across a screen than we can when visiting one another, having meals together, and meeting together in person. We say things we would never say to people if they were in the same room with us and we had to see them the following Sunday at church.
It’s also tempting to trade “in-real-life” friendships for this kind of online “friendship” because they’re so much easier. Yet, the hard work of in-real-life friendships is what makes them so important. As Christina Fox writes,
The people we connect with on social media are not “real friends.” Call them online friends, acquaintances, or something else, but these may not be people who will drop everything to be by your side when your world crumbles around you …. We need to be a part of a community of believers in real life. We need to meet regularly with a body of believers and do life together. This means not merely attending church together on Sundays, but being an integral part of each others’ lives during the week. We need to meet with one another for prayer, share meals together in our homes, and help each other in practical ways (Romans 12:13, 2 Corinthians 9:1-2, 1 John 3:16-18).[1]
Being a mom is hard. We don’t just need people who can send us a text when we need a pep talk; we need women who can come to our side and be the literal hands and feet of Jesus for us.
5. You aren’t a perfect mom, but you’re still a good mom. And God is greater still.
We don’t have a lot of compassion on ourselves as moms. We often like to think in extremes—if we aren’t the perfect mom, we’re obviously the worst of moms. That moment of frustration, lack of patience, the breakdown crying in the bathroom because you’re simply so tired, the fourth night of cereal for supper because you didn’t have the time or energy to cook for your family, all add up and convince you that you’re a terrible mom. But you’re not. If you’re feeding your baby, holding your baby, playing with your baby, and protecting your baby, you’re a good mom.
You will fail as a mother—time and time again. This doesn’t mean we need to beat ourselves up and condemn ourselves as the most horrific mother on the planet. We remember our humanity (just as God does), repent, and look to Christ. And remember that even when you fail as a parent, God is the greater Father you and your baby need. He will never fail either of you. As the apostle Paul wrote to his son in the faith, Timothy:
The saying is trustworthy, for:
If we have died with him, we will also live with him;
if we endure, we will also reign with him;
if we deny him, he also will deny us;
if we are faithless, he remains faithful—
for he cannot deny himself. (2 Tim. 2:11-13)
6. The gospel and your adoption into Christ’s family never changes.
From baby to baby, family to family, and mom to mom, things always look a little bit different. The tricks and tips that helped with your first baby don’t always work for baby number two or your best mom friend. But the truths of the gospel—that Christ died for your sins, adopting you into his family forever—will always be true. As a child of God, he will never leave you or abandon you. He cares about your tired eyes, foggy mind, and weak arms. He loves you, even more than you love your precious new baby. He has not forgotten you. As God proclaimed through the prophet Isaiah,
“Can a woman forget her nursing child,
that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb?
Even these may forget,
yet I will not forget you.” (Isa. 49:15)
I hope that amid the diaper changes, frequent feedings, and restless nights you ultimately find comfort in the gospel, and you can learn to reach out for the help you need to be the best mom you can be.
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Recommended:
Sufficient Hope: Gospel Meditations and Prayers for Moms by Christina Fox
Notes:
[1] Christina Fox, "How Many Real Friends Do You Have?" Today's Christian Woman, January 2014, accessed September 18, 2021, https://www.todayschristianwoman.com/articles/2014/january-week-4/how-many-real-friends-do-you-have.html).
